How to lose a guy in 10 minutes

I hate talking about dating, and I hate that it occupies so much space in our conversations (if you were a woman, you would know what I am talking about).  But a guy told me that the first time he met me, he thought I was crazy.  Well, I have been told a number of times that I was strange.  I have accepted that I am not  first impression-friendly and I am genuinely sorry for making anyone feel uncomfortable.  But I am not apologizing for being me.   

As a woman you are constantly judged.  If you are not too needy, you are too independent.  If you are not too loud, you are too quiet.  If you are not too ditzy, you are too smart.  If you are not too skinny, you are too fat.  If you are not too pretty, you are too... nope, you can never be too pretty.  Speaking of pretty, how is my pure intellect supposed to compete with that?  Seriously it is insulting.  

Unfortunately, first impressions last.   Here is a list for you to chuckle at and nod your head in agreement, because you know as well as I do, how true this is. 

First impression fails

1. You love Jesus. 

You do realise this guy is going to have to compete with the unconditional love Jesus has for you.  That is way too much pressure.  Poor guy, let him tap out. Shem.  

2. You laughed.

Maybe you genuinely thought his joke was funny, but someone told you once that you laugh like Charlie Brown (What does that even mean?  You were not even sure Charlie Brown could laugh).

  

3.  You keep talking about your brother.

What?  Do you have a crush on your brother?  Sure he is a nice guy, even your friends think he is cool, but after Jesus, that is one more guy in your life too many.

4.  You said you want children.

Let us backtrack, at what point in an initial meeting with a guy did you think it was safe to mention procreation?  With that statement you may have single-handedly ruined him for all women.

5.  You are so smart, you sound stupid.  

This is a common case where your mouth moves too slowly for  the words to come out soon enough.  So when you said "I want to be married at 25" you really meant to say "I believe that monogamy is in the best interests of society."  Also, being so incredibly smart alienates you socially, learn to live with it.

6.  You are not smart enough.  

Okay, you are smarter than the average girl, but this guy happens to be a genius in a field you find useless.  There are only so many times you can nod your head in agreement  and say "wow" before he realises you are a fraud, and not in the Mike Ross way.

7.  You said nothing the whole time.

This after you heard him specifically tell a friend that he does not notice girls who do not engage him in conversation.  

8.  You thought it was cool that he knew all the words to Katy Perry songs.

His boyfriend thinks so too.  This is a classic case of misdirection.  Now it is your turn to tap out.  Honey, you would not even know how to begin to compete.  Trust me, this is not your guy.  

9.  You had your serious face on.

Yes you are having a hard week, there are tests and assignments, but all he is wondering is, "Is she constipated? "  You probably are, mentally.  But your game face just gives off "Bitch I will cut you!" vibes.

10.  You did not wear make-up.

Sure, you are all for natural beauty, besides you have sensitive skin.  But he does not care about your allergies.  He cannot look into your almond shaped eyes if they are not framed with eyeliner and he can not kiss chapped lips (Gross- would you?).  All those girls, Emma Stone, Jessica Alba and Rachel Weisz use Revlon for their blemishes.  (Seriously though?  You thought natural beauty was a thing?)

11.  You wore clothes.

Maybe if you pranced around naked, more guys would open doors for you.  You would certainly get more attention.

12.  You left your hair curly.

I know you like curls and the sleek look is generic and overdone.  But he cannot run his fingers through your hair.  Screeches are not romantic.  Besides, why would he make an effort if you did not?

13.  You are not easy.

You are too much effort.  He was trying to flirt but you could not pick up his hints because you thought he had a cold which made his voice sound like that, or maybe there was something in his eye because he was winking so much.  It is like when you have to explain a joke to someone, once you unpack a punchline, it is just not funny anymore. 

14.  You punched him.

Ooh, too soon.  So, you were so desperate to touch him, the only way you knew how was to punch him?! 

15.  You are that girl.

You know, the cool one.  But he does not know yet because his 10 minutes are up.  If he could not stick around for you for more than 10 minutes, then he probably was not worth your time anyway. 

So, do not be sorry about someone who was not man enough to accept the challenge that is you. 

Do not be sorry about someone who prejudged you before he got to know you better. 

Be sorry about compromising your character to impress someone with whom you might not have a future.  And be sorry about not valuing the freedom of being yourself.    

Mum

It is the fifth year I will not be home for Mothers Day.  I guess if you keep telling yourself, "there's always next year," eventually next year becomes five years later.

I love my mother. I can not stop talking about how much I love her.  So much so, my friends think she is awesome.  And she is.  She is wise, and kind and has a killer sense of style.  Genuine- when I wear the clothes she picks out for me, people actually complement my dress.

But I miss her.  I miss talking to her about irrelevant things I worry about, and then listening to her tell me that I should not worry about irrelevant things.  I miss her curries, the way she makes hot chocolate, her fingers running through my hair to set it right, when she dusts the back of my shirt, her hugs before she leaves and indeed, her screeching voice when I do something wrong.  

When I do not know what to do, I quickly try and think about what my mother would do in the same situation.  She is the first person I call when something important happens.  She is the first person I call when I am in trouble.  I call her first, just because.  Her opinion matters most.  She is my person.  She is my home.  She was my first home.  She is the reason I call home.  And wherever she will be, is home.    

She knows me.  She knows when I am scared.  She knows when I am confused.  She knows when I am happy.  She knows who I am not.  And when I am with her, I can be just that.  The person no one else sees.  The person who is just irritated with the world.  The person who wants to be left alone for a few hours.  The person who is not brave and undefeated.  She is my hero when I can not be the hero.

She is the good part.  She inspires my story.  She is fearless.  She is strong.  She is forgiving.  She loves.  She is Mum.

AND

This is the hard part.  One day.  I will have to inspire.  I will have to be fearless.  I will have to be strong.  I will have to be forgiving.  I will have to love.  I will be Mum.

LOVE YOU MUMMY