It’s 6:10 am, and I’m getting a phone call from my mother.
Me: Hello ma.
Mother: (Sounding frantic) Where are you?
Me: I’m at home.
Mother: I thought you were out walking, it’s too dark outside.
Me: Of course not. I would never walk in the dark.
12 hours later, I'm thinking about the conversation I had with
her that morning. Maybe. Perhaps it’s time for me to start walking in the dark.
The unknown. That’s all it really is. You don’t know what
lies ahead of you. You don’t know what may trip you, or who you might meet in
the middle of it. In the light you see everything. Nothing can hide, the danger
is exposed. You see things as they are. In the darkness things lurk, they catch
you by surprise. There is fear, because you don’t know what to expect next.
I don’t want to liken adulthood to darkness entirely, but
that’s what the past few weeks have felt like. It’s like I’m walking around with
a blindfold and having encounters with new things. Reaching out with my hands, exposing myself to the unidentified, learning how to handle it and then bumping into the next
thing. Fumbling till I've figured its structure, how it’s made and how best to
use it. Tasting it, deciding if I agree with it or not. Finding something that
works better. Finding different ways of doing things.
It was Mother’s Day this past weekend. The 6th
year I wasn’t home to celebrate my mother. I had a choice to go home, there
were no circumstances holding me back this time. I could have gone home and
shared the day with her, but I chose not to.
I figured that every time I go back home, it’s like running
back towards the light. You never conquer darkness because you’re holding on to
the things that comfort you. The easy things. The things that remind you that although
you’re an adult, you’ll always be someone’s child. I've been choosing to stay
dependent on my parents instead of "forging my own path" towards independence. (Shocking,
thought I’d have this figured by now.)
There’s a battle raging inside me. The child who wants
to be taken care of, and the adult trying to break free from the tether anchored in the light. But
what happens when the tether snaps? The fall is inevitable. Whether I let go
now, eventually it will snap and I will fall.
"Sometimes I wish for falling, wish for the release.
Wish for falling through the air to give me some relief.
Because falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace.
It's only when I hit the ground it causes all the grief." - Florence and the Machine (Falling)
There’s no problem with falling. The problem is hitting the ground. Will I land on my feet? Will I start running? Or
will it be so hard I’ll be forced to stay down? Will I recover from the
pain? Will I survive the landing?
The things I learn
in the dark will prepare me for when the time comes for the fall. And it won't always be dark. Eventually, there will be light.
