Extremely Blunt and Incredibly Awkward

I have compiled a list of the things my mother (The Don-lady), has taught me.  I genuinely hope that this will be nothing to which any of you can relate.  If you are easily traumatised and are weary that you might need to see a therapist after reading this, then it is best you steer clear from this post.  (That was an official disclaimer).

The stories I have shared with my friends about my mother have always left them astounded.  Honestly, when I was growing up I thought her methods were normal, and that everyone’s mother raised them the same way my mum raised me.  Upon reflecting on these stories, I realised that throughout my childhood I was completely oblivious to my mother’s extremely feminist and compulsive standards. 

Instead of being resentful of her and dwelling on how harsh she had been, I have found that it makes for some good comic relief.  In fact, this post is one of the few that truly explains why I am “The Other Girl”.    

Things My Mother Taught Me

1.  Domestos is the best detergent to use for cleaning a toilet.  You do not need to worry about wearing gloves either because it will kill the germs on your hands too.

2.  Big boys do not cry, neither should little girls.  Life is tough but there is no reason to cry about it.     

3.  People will not like you for doing the right thing.   

4.  You can do whatever you want with your life, as long as your parents do not have to pay your rent.  (I sold out and did a “stable” degree).

5.  Boyfriends mean babies.  End of the story.

6.  When I was eight years old she told me about HIV/AIDS and that I could get it from touching other children’s blood.  I spent three years thinking everyone at school had HIV/AIDS except me.  

7.  There is no such thing as ghosts, only demons and we can pray for them to leave. 

8.  Even though it is your room, it is still in her house, which means you have to keep it clean.

9.  Disobedience is bad.  Do not disobey your parents.  Unless you want to be one of those children who died because they disobeyed their parents.  (She told me a story about a little boy who got sucked into the small gap between the side of the escalator and the moving steps because he did not listen to his parents when they told him not to play on the escalator). 

10.  Lying is bad.  Do not lie.  Unless she tells you to do it.  Always lie when your parents tell you to, because if you disobey them…  

11.  Do not ask people questions when they are busy cooking, it is distracting.  (That is why I do not know how to cook).

12.  Do not cook if you know you are going to spoil the food and waste the groceries. (That is also why I do not know how to cook).

13.  Education is more important than cooking.  Young women should study, not cook.  (That is why I still do not know how to cook).

14.  There will always be time to learn how to cook.  (No, I still do not know how to cook). 

15.  If you are going to care about what people think, then you have already failed.

16.  If you have done your best then it is enough.

17.  Do not waste food, someone else is hungry.  (One time I asked her for a block of cheese.  I could not finish it, so I asked her if I could throw it away.  She said “Fine, but one day you will want that block of cheese”.  Eight years later, I wanted cheese so bad, I even thought if I could, I would eat the block of cheese I threw away all those years ago).

18.  When a man and a woman love each other very much…

19.  The night is made for sleeping, not parties.  (She told me a story about a boy who went clubbing, got shot and died).

20.  Women will buy anything that makes them look and feel beautiful.  (She has been drawing up that business plan for the past five years). 

21.  Always make sure you pay your debt first.  In fact, do not make any debt in the first place.  If someone wants to give you a credit card, just say no.

22.  Do not do anything that would require you to ingest an illegal substance, become someone’s mother or drink the blood of another living thing, just say no. 

23.  When people stare at you, stare back.       

24.  Short hair is for women who have time to maintain it.  (For 16 years of my life she made me keep my hair in a plait… I’m only 22).

25.  There is no shame in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), it is something of which to be proud.  People who pay attention to detail should be respected.

26.  If your dog dies, you bury it.  If someone else’s dog dies and they fail to bury it, you go and find that person and say these exact words, “I know the dog that died belongs to you and I know you did not bury it.  You better bury your dog, or else I will tell your grandmother because I know who she is and I know where she lives, and I know that you live with her.”

27.  If someone still fails to bury their dog, be the better citizen and do it yourself. 

28.  You better vote in elections because that is the kind of thing for which people die.

29.  Guys like girls who are easy.  Get over it.

30.  You might be vegetarian, but people will still eat meat.  Get over it. 

31.  Cats die.  Get over it.

32.  Father Christmas is not real.  Get over it.

33.  There will always be someone who is better at doing something.  Get over it.

34.  Africa’s a tough continent.  Get over it. 

35.  If you are going to dress like a nerdy writer then you will end up marrying a maths teacher. 

36.  You cannot have anorexia or some other disorder because her medical aid does not cover teenage angst.

37.  If you say you are sick, then you will be sick.  So you better say that you are healthy because her medical aid does not cover negativity either.

38.  People do not have fathers, so you better love yours.

39.  After my first period she said, ‘”Now for real this time, you cannot have a boyfriend.”

40.  Wooden spoons, batter spoons, leather belts and slippers are good for hidings.  Give your children hidings in public and they will never do it again.

41.  Even though you are 18 she can still give you a hiding.  (And then she did).

42.  If you want to become an engineer then you should be prepared to work hard and have no social life.  (Funny, all the engineers I know go to parties all the time.  I did not become an engineer and I still have no social life).

43.  If you want to get distinctions in matric then you should start working for it in primary school.  (She told me that when I was 10 years old and she was right, I kicked ass in matric). 

44.  There is no such thing as a feud or bearing a grudge, only forgiveness.  You can be angry, but not for long.  Scream and shout as much as you want but when it is over, it is over.      

45.  No matter what you have done, no matter where you are, and even if she will be angry; when you are in trouble always call her first.

46.  Do not speak to strangers, especially if they drive slowly in their cars, looking around at houses. 

47.  Have integrity.  Someone is always watching you.  People never forget.    

48.  You do not throw away good friends.  There are too many wicked people out there so you should invest in good friendships.     

49.  You might not understand her now, but you will one day, and you will appreciate her for it. 

50.  You can have as much fun as you like, as long as it pleases the Lord.

I am grateful for my mum.  REALLY if I could choose anyone to raise me again, I would pick her.  Only because I know that everything she taught me was out of love and it was what she thought was best for me (or so I like to tell myself).