Second chances

I have been delaying this post in an effort to avoid the demons I have to confront.  A new year awaits and instead of rising to the challenge with unbridled enthusiasm, I'd much rather take cover, and assume the fetal position.    

My failure to launch originates when less than a fortnight ago (I'm trying to sound old school) my negligent driving resulted in the tragedy accessorizing the rear of my mum's car.  (Okay, 12 days ago I crashed my mum's car.)  Aside:  I finally got my driver's licence after trying 8 times.  I  think it's an accomplishment that deserves to be recorded as a novel.

The damage is minimal, but still an eyesore.  I make a point of not using that side of the car, because the memory of maiming a vehicle is really inconvenient to live with.  It's kind of like living with the guilt of sin.         

James 1: 23- 24 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. (NIV)  

People crash cars all the time, and they get over it.  Also, there are worse things to fret over.  But I was overwhelmed with condemnation.  I didn't want to drive again.  I kept reliving it, analyzing everything I did and didn't do.  I felt shame for doing something that stupid.  Two days later my dad got me a brand new car, which I wasn't keen on driving because I was so guilt-ridden.  In fact, every time I get behind a wheel, I get stressed about crashing, a fear I didn't have before. 

That's what sin does.  It makes living unbearable and it steals your joy so you can't appreciate your blessings.  There's always that reminder that you might make the same mistake, that condemnation really gets you down.  It stirs up doubt in your capabilities and who you are.  (It's like "bad driver" automatically became one of the descriptions of my character.)  

This incident disrupted my plans.  It descended like a bird of prey, ready to scoop up my independence and shatter my confidence.  In a week I'll be leaving the place I called home for 23 years.  In the past two months, I've been struggling to keep up with my responsibilities as an adult, and the additional fears I have about driving have been weighing me down.

But as James wrote, you can't just acknowledge the problem (sin) and do nothing about it.  It festers and cripples you.  So yes, I crashed a car, but I can't let that stop me from driving again, now I just drive with more care.  Your sin is a mistake, but once you address it, you move forward in righteousness without the fear of stumbling again because you live by grace.  Alternatively, my mother's translation was: "You need to grow up, but I forgive you.  Now you have to forgive yourself".    

Sure there will be more mistakes I may or may not have control over, but I will not be beaten down by fear.  So, as I uncurl myself from a web of self-mortification, head raised and a heart with hope for the future, I walk into 2015 by grace and mercy for second chances.