Tarantism

All my life (23 years) I've had a second party supervise my actions and give reasonable guidance for the decisions I've had to make.  Subsequently, at the appliance section of a supermarket, I found it challenging to decide which brand of iron to buy without anyone to consult about my purchase decision.

My parents were eager to kick me out of their nest and becoming accustomed to this new found freedom and independence has been as liberating as it is painful.

Being alone has never been a problem for me. That was until I had to hang curtains, wipe down kitchen cupboards, clear out a clutter of spiders inhabiting my bathroom and navigate the city's freeways and complicated exits all by myself.

The "You're an adult, that means you have to solve your own problems" penny dropped when I got pulled over by metro-cops.  A routine licence check at 10pm on a Friday night proved to be intimidating.  It was just me, a cop and God (whom I'm relying on more and more to get through most of these "adult-days").          

It was when I had to board a plane without anyone to send me off (besides the cab guy who had just ripped me off) when I decided:  I need a person.

Yes the Shonda Rhimes definition of "person".  Until now I didn't realise the depth of Cristina Yang telling Meredith Grey in a bar that she was her "person".  Sometimes when things get heavy, I just want Cristina to come over and dance it out.  

Tarantism: (n.) Overcoming melancholy by dancing; the uncontrollable urge to dance. (FACEBOOK)

I always fancied myself as some version of Cristina, but more often than not, I'm Meredith.  I want my independence, but I also want to be taken care of.  Cristina is the strong, powerful, independent woman we want to be.  We want to be the best professionals, we want to follow our passion no matter the cost, that is until we realize the price of being extraordinary.

Cristina's had terrible things happen to her (i.e. her fiancé leaving her at the altar, her military doctor boyfriend strangling her in her sleep, conducting surgery on Meredith's husband with a gun held to her head, an abortion, a divorce, surviving a plane crash). Her heart bleeds too, she makes difficult decisions too, she's just really good at rising above the things that try to tear her down.

Meredith was always the dark one and Cristina was the ray of light (or twisted companion) she needed.  Every time something bad happened to Meredith, Cristina would crawl into her bed (at any given hour, without fail) and they'd talk about it.

It was the perfect arrangement for dealing with stuff.  Sometimes things were so bad, there were no solutions and Cristina would just turn up the music and they would start dancing.  So while I was scrubbing a toilet bowl with my academic hands, I kept hoping my person would walk through the doors, turn up a song from our youth (the likes of Blur or the Spice Girls) and then we'd start dancing mindlessly across the filthy tiles I hadn't yet cleaned.

However, having a person as strong-willed as Cristina means that when they grow, sometimes you get left behind. Eventually Cristina took a job in Zurich, heading ground-breaking heart surgery research.  Meredith stayed behind and now she crawls into Alex Karev's (this guy who's doing a half-rate job of being her person) bed when she wants to talk about her problems.
    
I've had person(s).  They've moved in and out of my life, but they've always come through when I needed them to.  One of them actually used to dance with me.  Indie-folk blared through the room on random occasions, not all melancholic but indeed necessary for whatever we were going through.  But now, that person is preparing to be a Chartered Accountant based in Cape Town and I have to get used to doing life without her.    

Before leaving, Cristina had one last dance with Meredith. There was nothing quite as fitting for them to part ways. I think Meredith will learn to grow and move on too. Sometimes that means not having a person, because the best thing for you at that stage is to be your own person.

No more relying on someone to distract you from reality. No more dancing around problems.  You have to choose what iron to buy. You have to be the law-abiding citizen. You have to board a plane alone. You are your person.