Dormant

When I was planning on writing this post, it was completely different to that which is about to unfold in the next few minutes.  John Lennon sang, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."  Today I heard the most devastating news that my friend had passed away and all I want to do right now, is be dormant while life happens and reality bares its snarling teeth. 

James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (NIV)

I have heard about some of my dad's old college friends who have passed away, but I never thought that my dad and I would have something like this in common, this soon after leaving university.  When my gran died, my feelings were much different. I was expecting it because she had been sick for months.  But when someone my age, who has plans of accomplishing great things in her career and personal life, is taken away without warning, it hurts more because you did not expect it and neither did she.  Her texts are still raw on our phones, and her social network accounts still have the record of her most recent movements.  The worst part is that the last time I said goodbye to her, I did not think it would actually be the last time I said goodbye.

I cannot find the balance between murderers and rapists who get to live and people like my friend, who was a good person and who was going to add value to society and contribute to the nation's economy, who brought honour to her family and who would have paved the way for women in her field, whose life ended so abruptly.  I know God has reasons for allowing bad things to happen.  And I hold onto the belief that God is good.  God is good no matter what happens.  Death is shameless, but God is still good. 

What can I say that does not do injustice to the memory of my friend?  She was the funniest girl I knew, really, I had never met anyone as witty and as spontaneous as her.  I met her in first year, during orientation week of our residence.  We had a friend in common, who brought us together and some of my best res-girl memories involve those two girls.  They would tell stories that would make you feel like you were there when it happened.  There was always non-stop laughter and random air-claps that only we could understand.  I would get angry at them every time they echoed my squeaky voice and I use to love listening to them reminisce about their Hot Mikado days (a school production in which they participated) and every time they sang for me. 

For my 21st birthday, they gave me a book about Afghan women and a biography about Margaret Thatcher- a perfect gift for a feminist.  We made plans to be bridesmaids for each other and now, those plans no longer exist.  Now no one will call me Lamdizzle, and even if someone would call me Lamdizzle, it just would not be the same.  My friend made it sound cool, now it just sounds ridiculous.  I will miss these small things, but what I will miss the most, is the thought that I would never have to miss these small things.

I remember earlier this year she told me that she had heard me visiting our other friend who lived next door to her and that she had heard us laughing.  I cringed at the thought of what she might have heard (us trying to master the moonwalk or my Gospel education).  She said that I hardly visit her and that I should come see her soon.  Well, I regret that I did not pay her enough visits this year; I regret that I mistakenly thought there would always be time to see her and I regret that I do not have a good reason for why I did not visit her often.  But mostly, I regret that I have these regrets.          

She has left a gap in countless lives; many of us knew her and loved her for the same reasons.  Everyone who knew her was blessed to know someone like her; she could put a smile on your face which was not there before.  The memories we have of her will become dormant, and one day something will happen and those memories will be reawakened for a few more minutes.  And then life will happen, plans will be made and reality will strike us mercilessly.  But there will be those rare moments where something will happen to reawaken those dormant memories once more.