Confessions of a Vegetarian

It is that time of the year where we reflect on the wonderful 2013, but clearly not wonderful enough because we cannot wait to usher in 2014.  Well, 2013 was an eventful year.  I made some serious choices and accomplished some not so serious things.  One of the best decisions I made this year was to become a vegetarian.  It has hardly been a thrilling ride but there are a few things about it that are worth sharing.  This is by no means a gimmick to convert anyone's meat eating habits- and I mean that in a respectful, non-condescending way.

This is my journey in ten, fairly decent, points.

1.  You fart (all the time).

And you cannot control it.  This may sound crude, but this is something important most vegetarians neglect to inform potential vegetarian converts.  Sure, you can train yourself to delay a fart, but it is bound to make a heroic escape.  It also smells like you are growing a garden laced with compost inside of you.  Forget about spooning with someone special, that bed is too warm for the both of you. 

2.  Everyone automatically assumes "vegetarian" means "cheese-dish".

I am so tired of eating food oozing with cheese (sure, it sounds tasty but after the third dish, you get over it).  Currently, I am off dairy which means I am about half way to becoming Vegan.  There are so many vegetarian dishes that can be made without cheese, or cream or pasta!  Curries are pretty good and do not hold back on the spice.

3.  Food choices are limited.

There are hardly any options available for vegetarians to choose from on most restaurant menus (and all of them contain cheese).  Basically, your choice is already made.  Before you walk through the door you know you are eating the only vegetarian option available.  Also, you run out of food ideas really quickly (which reminds me, I need to get that vegetarian recipe book really soon).

4.  Hanging out with people becomes complicated.

Mostly because social activities involve, eating meat.  Cut out braais, unless you are keen on eating a lot of potato salad and garlic bread.  If there are not any salads, you will be eating nothing.  So it is like you are the girl in high school with an eating disorder- all over again. 

5.  People do not know the difference between Vegetarianism and Pescetarianism.

A pescetarian's diet includes fish, but no other meat.  People often believe vegetarianism and pescetarianism is the same thing.

Exhibit A:
Girl- Are you vegetarian?
Me- Yes, I am.
Girl- Oh, are you the kind who eats fish?
Me- No, that's a pescetarian.  I am a vegetarian, we eat absolutely no meat.
(Even after that, I still do not think she knew the difference).

6.  There will always be a better Vegetarian.

I met this girl who did not eat jelly sweets because they contained gelatine.  Well, she did not put it that way; she used words like "cow hoof" and "pig snout".  I did not think being a vegetarian was a competition; if that is the case then I am probably losing.  Also, I do not eat jelly sweets because of a documentary I watched on BBC.  That decision may not be Vegetarian-motivated, but I think it should still count.

7.  People always want to know why.

You always have to explain why you made such an abnormal decision.  People always ask you in that scornful tone, like, "Oh, she thinks she is better than us just because she does not eat meat."  My
one friend asked me if it was because I loved animals.  I was careful with this one because she was ready to protest that she loved animals too.  Sometimes I feel like wearing a sign that says, "Hey, I am a vegetarian and I do not think I owe anyone an explanation, I just tried it and it worked."  Is
that a good reason?  Probably not.  It is like falling in love, you cannot explain why, it just feels right...  No actually, that metaphor does not sit well with me; but you get the idea.

8.  It has its perks.

I lost enough weight to drop a jeans size.  Unfortunately I have not had the chance to buy a new pair of jeans, so the ones I have are always hanging, making me look like a guy from the 90's.  Also, my egg frying abilities have improved so I could get a job at a B&B.

9.  It reduces your already reduced dating pool.

You probably could date a meat eater and live through it, but when you are in your twenties the dynamics of dating change slightly.  These days' people date with the intention of marriage, and if he eats meat, you are probably going to have to learn how to cook meat.  Dating a vegetarian is just simpler; you do not have to worry about shoving your hands inside a chicken to pull out giblets.  Unfortunately, finding a dateable vegetarian is like finding a needle in a haystack, because we are that rare.

10.  You never know when or if you should announce it.

Is your vegetarianism even worthy of an announcement?  Yes, it is a lifestyle change, but what if the jackets inside the closet are really comfortable and you do not want to share them with other people because they just would not understand the comfort derived from those jackets?  You know- people  judge you for liking some jackets more than others!  But, even though the jackets are
comfortable, that closet can become really stuffy. 

I mean, it is not the kind of announcement people are expecting to hear.  It is not like you got engaged.  You have to tell people when you are engaged, it is like a rule that you have to let them  know you are officially off the market.  Being a vegetarian is different, you can easily get away with it, alone in the corner... unless something comes up where you have to say, "Whoa! Stop the bus! I cannot carve that turkey because..." or, "No thanks, I cannot eat your meat pie because..."

Also, you do not want to wait too late when they are serving the meat platter, but you do not want to be a douche and announce it every time you walk into a room, like a picky eater.  An interesting development by Facebook, which may make it easier for you to "come out" is the recently added "became a vegetarian" life event, alongside "got a new job", "graduated" or "in a relationship". 
I considered ticking the box, but thought, would people really care?  Then there was a whole debate that followed in my head about how people would care when you reject their food.

So to spare any embarrassing situations that may come from failing to inform people about my vegetarianism (believe me, this is quite possible), this is my official, unofficial "coming out" announcement of a lifestyle change that you may or may not care about. 

Also, in the spirit of treating others the way you want to be treated, you should all know that I do not judge any meat eaters or anyone's nutritional choices.  In fact, I do not care, unless you are morbidly obese and one foot in the grave, then I care.  Indeed, we should all be concerned about you and we might just hold an intervention because that closet is about to burst open. 

Finally-  here is to a splendid year of blogging about the "other" things which are less important to you but more important to me, like vegetarianism.  Thank you for sharing the posts and for subscribing.  Have a blessed 2014 and remember to always eat your vegetables.  Peace :)

Dormant

When I was planning on writing this post, it was completely different to that which is about to unfold in the next few minutes.  John Lennon sang, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."  Today I heard the most devastating news that my friend had passed away and all I want to do right now, is be dormant while life happens and reality bares its snarling teeth. 

James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (NIV)

I have heard about some of my dad's old college friends who have passed away, but I never thought that my dad and I would have something like this in common, this soon after leaving university.  When my gran died, my feelings were much different. I was expecting it because she had been sick for months.  But when someone my age, who has plans of accomplishing great things in her career and personal life, is taken away without warning, it hurts more because you did not expect it and neither did she.  Her texts are still raw on our phones, and her social network accounts still have the record of her most recent movements.  The worst part is that the last time I said goodbye to her, I did not think it would actually be the last time I said goodbye.

I cannot find the balance between murderers and rapists who get to live and people like my friend, who was a good person and who was going to add value to society and contribute to the nation's economy, who brought honour to her family and who would have paved the way for women in her field, whose life ended so abruptly.  I know God has reasons for allowing bad things to happen.  And I hold onto the belief that God is good.  God is good no matter what happens.  Death is shameless, but God is still good. 

What can I say that does not do injustice to the memory of my friend?  She was the funniest girl I knew, really, I had never met anyone as witty and as spontaneous as her.  I met her in first year, during orientation week of our residence.  We had a friend in common, who brought us together and some of my best res-girl memories involve those two girls.  They would tell stories that would make you feel like you were there when it happened.  There was always non-stop laughter and random air-claps that only we could understand.  I would get angry at them every time they echoed my squeaky voice and I use to love listening to them reminisce about their Hot Mikado days (a school production in which they participated) and every time they sang for me. 

For my 21st birthday, they gave me a book about Afghan women and a biography about Margaret Thatcher- a perfect gift for a feminist.  We made plans to be bridesmaids for each other and now, those plans no longer exist.  Now no one will call me Lamdizzle, and even if someone would call me Lamdizzle, it just would not be the same.  My friend made it sound cool, now it just sounds ridiculous.  I will miss these small things, but what I will miss the most, is the thought that I would never have to miss these small things.

I remember earlier this year she told me that she had heard me visiting our other friend who lived next door to her and that she had heard us laughing.  I cringed at the thought of what she might have heard (us trying to master the moonwalk or my Gospel education).  She said that I hardly visit her and that I should come see her soon.  Well, I regret that I did not pay her enough visits this year; I regret that I mistakenly thought there would always be time to see her and I regret that I do not have a good reason for why I did not visit her often.  But mostly, I regret that I have these regrets.          

She has left a gap in countless lives; many of us knew her and loved her for the same reasons.  Everyone who knew her was blessed to know someone like her; she could put a smile on your face which was not there before.  The memories we have of her will become dormant, and one day something will happen and those memories will be reawakened for a few more minutes.  And then life will happen, plans will be made and reality will strike us mercilessly.  But there will be those rare moments where something will happen to reawaken those dormant memories once more. 

My Best Friend's Wedding

My mother always says romance and candle-lit dinners do not sustain a marriage; being humble enough to say sorry when you believe you are right does.  I have always been cynical about love and marriage and always reserved my opinions on such matters.  Witnessing my best friend get married really challenged my perceptions of relationships and what they represent.  Watching her vow to live the rest of her life selflessly and surrendering her heart completely illuminated the mystery of love I had been working so tirelessly to avoid for most of my life. 

In high school I thought everyone who claimed to be in love was an absolute idiot and foolish for making such hefty declarations that soon after puberty.  I remember thinking, good luck with that Gonorrhea problem you will have to deal with soon.  In one “Life Orientation” class I was one of the three people who did not want to be married one day.  My reason was that I did not want to spend the rest of my life submitting to a man.  My teacher cleverly responded by saying that if I could not submit to a spouse, how would I ever submit to the government or authority figures? 

Well, that did not sway my opinion, because I hate the government and the fifteen year old me had some vile thoughts about overthrowing it in the future.  Also, this is the same government that has a department for women, children and the disabled- when did being a woman be equivalent to having a disability? So truthfully my antagonism towards marriage was just the rising feminist in me trying to find an outlet (perhaps the wrong outlet, but I have had these aspirations fixed in the right direction since then).  Nevertheless, Paul had written some insightful things about singleness in the bible, and I was really exploiting those verses to my advantage.      

I have not always opposed marriage.  I remember throwing a pillowcase over my head and pretending to be a bride when I was hardly five years old.  My friends and I would talk about our weddings for hours.  How many bridesmaids we wanted, the colour scheme, the tiered cake, the song for the first dance, the bouquet, the style of the dress, the centrepieces, the draping, the venue, the hair and the nails, and the GROOM!  Together, we would dream about the ideal man we wished to marry one day.  His looks, his occupation, his hobbies, his bank account, how he would ask you to be his wife.  Fast forward to our twenties and it became his faith, his character, his values, his intellect, how he made you feel, how he would encourage you to achieve your dreams.    

There was the Edward Cullen phase we encountered in our late teens.  He ruined us for all men.  Twilight and every other wedding movie scarred us for life.  Every last one of them fabricated this perfect idea of love.  I regret subjecting myself to Julia Roberts’ flawless beauty, every Bollywood movie I ever watched (that is three hours of singing and dancing for each movie, too many) and Ryan Reynolds’ good heart hidden within a body that looks like it was sculpted by Michelangelo.  When I saw my best friend, behind her veil, with her dad on her side, every romantic comedy just paled in comparison to the reality before my very eyes.  Here is a girl, who is about to walk towards the rest of her life.  She does not know what lies before her, but she trusts the guy waiting on the other side enough to make a commitment that binds them together for the rest of their lives. 

I choose to believe in love stories like that, mostly because they are not love stories, they are love realities.  A love reality where the guy, who is scared out of his mind, but dies for his bride anyway because his love is unconditional… oh wait, that was Jesus Christ, and that happened once for all time.  My best friend did me one last favour as a single woman when she chose to have the Gospel shared at her wedding ceremony.   I realised something that I had previously been goaded into believing for years, only this time it was a revelation I finally knew to be true- marriage is a God thing.  It represents everything Jesus did for us when He died to save us. 

Ephesians 5:31-32 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  This is a profound mystery- but I am talking about Christ and the Church. (NIV)

If the love of God is not written all over marriage, then it is no better than some empty Hollywood movie with wooden actors.  Human love is fickle, it changes like the weather, it is flawed and someone’s heart is bound to get broken.  But God’s love, God’s love supersedes human nature; it is eternal, it is unconditional and holds people together.  That is the love reality we should desire for our lives.   

Thank you K, now I understand. J    

Witsie Forever

There are three kinds of students at Wits; the scientists, the politicians and the averages.  After Wits, the scientists, given their extreme journey of acclimatization into society, become less delusional, more socially functional and possibly find religion, or develop a relationship with a person who exists in reality.  The politicians find their political voice, continue to be recipients of a myriad of bursaries and opportunities reserved for the previously disadvantaged and hopefully will lead the country with the wisdom they gained from their practice sessions at this wonderful institution.  The averages become what the scientists once were, only more delusional; they dabble in bouts of erratic substance abuse, lose religion or start blogs- much like this one. They take their extra-mural activities more seriously as opposed to the degrees they are completing, and will hopefully contribute to the success of the economy by hopping onto that hamster wheel, commonly known as the workforce.

There are the exceptions, which remain consistent in their behavior but may delve deeper into who they are and realize that success is directly proportional to loving what you do.  But those are the exceptions; I do not know any of those people, because they are exceptionally rare.  The point is- once you leave Wits, you are much different to who you were when you arrived at Wits.  Which is expected; a lot can happen in 3+ years, a lot of traumatic things that can change a person.

Wits changes the things you value in life.  When my classmates and I finished our theses, we all took pictures of our massive files of research and loaded them onto Facebook.  Normal people do not do things like that.  Normal people do not weigh out the costs of watching a soccer game and reading articles for class.  Normal people do not spend weekends in libraries.  Normal people do not schedule time slots to wash their hair.  It is bad enough being a nerd, realizing it is worse, but out-nerding yourself is just tragic.  It happens to the best of us- it happens to Witsies.

My fondest memories are the ones from res.  When you live with strangers, it does not take too long for you to realize that murdering people because they are too loud is not justifiable, and earplugs are more ideal than prison.  But there are those situations, you did not see coming and before you know it, you have done something you will regret later.  For instance this one time, a drunk girl passed out on my bed.  The situation is this- I thought she had been attacked, so I let her into my room to wait while I got help.  As it turns out, drunk people do not look much different to people who were actually attacked, or maybe I just had not seen a drunk person that close before.

Then there are the "curiosity killed the cat" situations from which I never learn.  Long story short, my friend forced me to watch a video of a woman giving birth- changed my life.  I screamed louder than the woman in the video.  It did not help that my friend paused the video every time I looked away. No one, besides a medical doctor, should ever see that. 

There are the priceless moments, you only live through once.  Sometimes you are blessed and get to experience it twice, like the time(s) we got to watch the All Blacks practice in our yard (The rugby field outside our res, which we can look onto from our bedroom windows, is our yard).  I was lucky to catch them doing the Hakka- they were so intimidating, I almost fell over.  And all the times we were serenaded by an army of men- how many women get to say that?  At res, everyday is a slumber party.  You live with your friends and you stay up late having endless conversations, impromptu karaoke nights and 5 minute study breaks on the fire escape while basking in the presence of the Jozi skyline.  You are never lonely and you are always lucky to watch a game (soccer, cricket and rugby), Sunday movie nights, Idols and soapies (Generations) with an audience. 

As for the brilliant people I met along the way- philosophers, doctors (and dentists) mathematicians, actuaries, architects, accountants, lawyers, economists, engineers (chemical, civil, electrical, mechanical), actors, writers, marketers, artists, biologists, biochemists, pharmacists, scientists (all of them- the ones I mentioned and the ones I forgot to mention), bankers, risk managers, singers, designers, librarians, foreigners, Hindus, Jews, Hinjews, Cancerians, gamers, nerds, poets, elderly people, leaders, followers- those are phenomenal people, all with incredible dreams, radical beliefs and hopes for the future. They painted the most beautiful picture of South Africa I had ever seen.  I was grateful for the friendships that developed with some of these people and I am thrilled to share the company of these fascinating people for the rest of my life. 

Speaking of friends- I remember the day I was dubbed an athlete.  The task of stealing a New Zealand flag hanging on someone’s car was set before me.  It was the year of the rugby world cup, and the challenge was proposed by two friends who agreed that the presence of the flag was unpatriotic.  I was about to pull the flag off and just in time, my friends said, "Ok! Woah woah woah!  It’s fine you’re an athlete you don’t have to do it." You see, I did not get the flag but I was an athlete by virtue of being willing to do the task.    

Us Witsies are often mistaken for being arrogant.  But if you had to measure all the times we faced a near-failure experience and the thousands spent on our "superior" education, coupled with all the times we should have shit ourselves but did not because we were holding onto whatever dignity we had left by a tether; then it is easier to understand the boldness that comes with conquering the edge.  I remember the time I faced my economics marks on the notice board.  I bore no significant emotions and ever since then I have been indifferent about marks.  The lesson is, once you hit rock bottom, you realize that it is just not worth it getting worked up over things of which you have no control.  Also, one can only fall asleep in economics so many times before you realize such greatness has not been thrust upon you.  Besides, when you arrive at Wits, lecturers tell you, "What kind of institution would this be if we had to hand out degrees on silver platters?" Or, "If you are here to get a job, then you are here for the wrong reasons.  You might as well leave and get a job now, because this is a research institution.  We equip students to do ground breaking things, not to find jobs." 

That sums it all up actually.  Imagine you have a five year plan which you strongly believed in and chose to conform to with everything in your power, and then imagine you stumble onto a piece of information that reveals the reality of that plan.  That is Wits- it pulls the rug out from underneath that plan and unearths parts of you, you did not know existed.  You can no longer  adhere to that five year plan, because that would be foolish.  You have to be greater.  You have to be bolder.  And the only direction you can see yourself moving from this point, is upwards.  Towards glory.  You cannot settle for anything less.

The scientists, the politicians and the averages have all learnt the hard way that being exceptional, is exceptional; but possible.  Until then- Challenge Accepted.  I am grateful for my years at Wits and there is just not enough time to write up all the details of my experience, but I carry these memories in my heart.  You have to have your own experience to truly understand the value of being a Witsie, and I was privileged to have that opportunity. 

#RespectTheEdge

Little People

I was nine years old when I wrote my first poem, on lime coloured cardboard paper.  It was about loneliness, so it was aptly titled ‘Poam of Loneliness’.  I gave it to my grade three teacher and in my school report she called me “little author”.  For the first time I believed that I could be a good writer, because someone else took my writing as seriously as I did.  I have shared this because, I was a nine year old who had massive dreams of being a writer and now I am a twenty two year old, who reads stories about children whose biggest challenge is survival. 

Matthew 19:14- Jesus said: Let the children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. (NIV)

I recently read  ‘The God of Small Things’ by Arundhati Roy and it brought to my attention the incredible power adults have in shaping the lives and possibly the destinies of children.  The way children treat our words as gold and trust us to be right about everything is scary.  To think that someone will believe you, wholeheartedly, and would be willing to surrender everything for your love and approval puts you in a dangerous position.  It is more terrifying to consider that not so long ago; you were the child who put someone else in that position. Only, you were privileged to have the adult who understood the responsibility of that position.

Most people have seen the video of the seven year old girl who stole an iPhone in a coffee shop.  The comments posted on the video were varied, some people blaming her parents and others blaming the child for choosing to complete a task that she “knew” was wrong.  When you are seven years old, you do not question what your parents tell you, because you do not expect them to be wrong.  When you are seven years old, your world revolves around your parents (or guardians) and all you want is for them to be pleased with you.  They are your moral compass and the closest model of God.   

What chance do children have of becoming responsible citizens and leaders when their authority figures are irresponsible and careless?  How do children rise above their situations when they are taught to have low expectations for their lives?  We cannot expect them to accomplish more than previous generations when the benchmark we have set is hardly a benchmark.  We need to excel in our task as being the best example of the exceptional standards by which they will eventually live.  I am not a parent and I probably should not be a judge of a situation which I know nothing about.  However, I was a child once and I remember enough to know the impact of someone else’s actions on my life.    

Unfortunately, poor role models are not the only force children have to work against.  They have to overcome the barrier of being voiceless.  In a country where teachers rape pupils and the bodies of toddlers are found mutilated in public toilets, I doubt that there is a voice to defend the little people... and if there is, it has been silent.  As generation Y adults, we cannot fail them.  We are building a future which they will lead.  We have to be their voice.

So, as the “little author” I choose to be to the little people who my grade three teacher was to me, because her actions changed the course of my life.  On days when I doubt my ability to write, or when my dream of being a journalist seems out of reach, I think about what my grade three teacher wrote about me, and then I keep fighting for that nine year old’s dream. We adults underestimate our ability to write a child’s future.  We hold their dreams in our hands.

A Few Good Reasons

My best friend's wedding is looming around the corner and finding a wedding date has proven to be quite challenging.  I was considering holding auditions but I did not want to seem picky... then I found myself developing reasons to justify why I should avoid the inconvenience of a date.  Upon reflection of my complicated train of thought, I started thinking about all my other non-existent relationships and why I am still single. 

I drew up a list of reasons for my apparent  social dysfunction because I did not have enough Post-its to keep these reasons on my mirror, in the privacy of my own room.

1. I do not know how to make a good sandwich.

2.  I can make sandwiches, they just aren't good.

3.  Seriously, the bread falls apart and the filling becomes soggy- really bad sandwich.

4.  I am incapable of successfully engaging in small talk.
     Exhibit A
     Me: Hello
     Guy: Hello... I'm leaving now.

5.  They say, the first person you think about in a near-death experience, is the love of your life.  I have never had a near-death experience, but I got stuck in a turnstile once (same anxiety).

6.  If I find it hard to commit to finishing a book, then I probably will not commit to finishing this reason.

7.  The guy I would date is already in a long-term relationship with his boyfriend.

8.  Every time I quote Star Wars I involuntarily friend-zone myself.

9.  I am probably too busy watching Meredith Grey ruin things with McDreamy.

10.  Meredith Grey is enough evidence to prove why dark and twisty girls should not be in relationships.

11.  I already have friends who give me mixtapes, send me flowers and buy me jewellery.

12.  I can fix my own computer.

13.  I can fix most things actually- it's called YouTube, and it has DIY videos.

14.  I am still waiting for Tony Stark to dump Pepper Potts.

15.  I have taken up running.

16.  Running keeps your mind off the "objects" in life.

17.  Have you read Romeo and Juliet?

18.  If you had to count all the tears I had to wipe for my heartbroken friends, Kleenex would have to reimburse me. 

19.  The house with the white picket fence, dog and 2.4 children sounds boring.

20.  The last time someone tried to hug me from behind, I almost broke their nose.

21.  Actually I do not know how to hug people.  When people hug me I have to actively disengage ninja mode and tell myself, "It's okay, it will be over in a few seconds.  Sing a song, it will distract you from the invasion of your personal space."

22.  I hate wet towels, especially when they are on the floor.

23.  I am as proud and judgmental as Fitzwilliam Darcy.

24.  The US Shutdown, what is that all about?

25.  I am not 30 years old and still living with my parents, until that happens then we can call this a crisis and you can schedule an intervention.

26.  Two words:  Harvey Specter

27.  Two more words: Mike Ross

28.   I heard investment bankers marry waitresses.

29.  When other girls were learning the basics of flirting, I was kicking some guy's ass in maths.  (And it felt AWESOME!).

30.  I thought Skechers made me look cool.

31.  Apparently, blogging isn't cool either.

32.  As cute as the idea sounds, no one wants to date a guy who looks like he should join the cast of Big Bang Theory.

33.  I am an arrogant person.  You would know if you met me, because I am Legen... wait for it... Dary.

34.  No matter what any guy says, there is no way it would top anything Will Shakes has written.

35.  Have you read Extremely Blunt and Incredibly Awkward?  (There's a plethora of reasons I could just add to this list).

36.  #GenYProblems
       Exhibit B
       3 years ago-  You seemed really cool online but I hate who you are in real life.
       Present day- You seemed really cool in real life but I hate who you are online.

37.  Talking to yourself is not socially acceptable, in fact, that is how you alienate people.
 
38.  I cannot respect a person who does not know the difference between "lose" and "loose".
   
39.  I have not yet met someone who has mastered the forward moonwalk.

40.  I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and now my expectations of life and love are more outrageous than ever before. 

Well, this was a trip.  In all seriousness, I have nothing against relationships,  I do believe they can be beneficial, given the right time and with the right person.  For the "Other" girl, it is not yet the time, and she has not met that person.

Coffee

This post is about coffee and why I do not drink it.

I do not drink coffee.  It is not because I do not want to, it is just that I cannot.  I have tried, on numerous occasions and failed to enjoy the caffeine running in my veins (if that is what happens to caffeine when it is ingested). 

Hopping on the coffee-lover wagon is not as easy as it looks, especially for rookies.  Believe me, the "grab a hot cup of java (or three) and Instagram it with an iPhone, uber-hipster, awkward adult person, halfway to Yuppie" subculture is enticing, really; I would like to buy into that.  But this antagonistic relationship with coffee dates back to my early days, as a preschooler.

I hate to blame my parents for everything wrong in my life, but they are the reason why I am the girl who orders rooibos tea without milk.  It is quite simple (take notes because this will be helpful when you have a child one day) if you feed your toddler Milo enough times, eventually when they encounter coffee or caffeinated tea, they will refuse it... because when you are five years old, Milo kicks hot-beverage ass.  This is why it has been so easy for me to abstain from coffee, that and all the other times I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience whenever I had drunk coffee.

In my experience, drinking coffee is not the problem, it is the two hours after consumption that weird me out a little. I start feeling like a rabid squirrel. Restless and edgy, everything becomes warm, but not mildly; extremely warm, hot like my face wants to melt off.  And then the unexplainable thirst, like the guy in the Ingram's advertisement, stranded in the desert.  Only no matter how much water I drink, it is never enough to extinguish the lava in my belly! (Okay, that was just a metaphor to explain my discomfort).

Then again, I may be drinking it wrong (which could be a contributing factor to why I have not been able to become acclimated with the task).  Whenever I drink hot beverages like coffee or tea, I never add sugar.  Sugar drowns out the taste and I lose the essence of the coffee.  I do not find the taste ghastly either, I prefer to taste my coffee for what it is than have it smothered with an unnecessary ingredient (besides if it was meant to taste sweet, it would have, or maybe I am just thinking about this too seriously and starting to evaluate coffee the way I evaluate humans).

However, I have tried decaf and it was quite pleasant.  In fact I could drink that daily; although, it probably defeats the purpose of coffee (Can you see how I am not even rookie-enough for this?). 

Never mind-  this attempt to convince myself that my reasons for not drinking coffee are valid has been fruitless.  I will stick to the rooibos; I will probably live longer too.   

Growing Pains

“Who of you have seriously misguided misconceptions of making millions?” Those were the first words I heard for one of my lectures.  At the time I did not understand the magnitude of what that meant.  One year later I was having a conversation with a classmate about our plans for the uncertain future.  We discussed jobs that did not pay but which we would prefer.  By the end of it, I could not agree that we would spend the rest of our lives working towards making millions and settling down.  “That can’t be it.  There must be more.”  He looked at me like I was confused, “What do you mean? That is it.”  I realized two things that day; that guy had seriously misguided misconceptions of making millions and secondly, I had seriously misguided misconceptions of life and people.

We are about to graduate for the second time, which means we are obligated to find jobs.  (Actually, I may be the only one who feels obligated, the rest of my classmates are ready to hop on the hamster wheel and chase those illusive millions I keep hearing about).   I do not have regrets about my time at varsity.  Even though I was the most boring first year; I did not get drunk and puke over a toilet bowl, I did not meet a gorgeous foreign student and have a fleeting affair with him, I never went shopping with my gay best friend (still looking for him though), I was too scared to eat space cookie and rightfully so and I did not unravel and come back home with new piercings or tattoos; these are things I am certain I can go through life without having done.  I am still pretty boring, but I maintain that despite that, I have a degree.  The only thing I really do regret; is that I did not dropout and become the mastermind behind an innovation that changed the world like Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg.  Although, I dropped out of law school (so I accomplished one half of that idea). 

Growing up is painful, my face pulls to the side just thinking about having to pay bills.  Bills are for people who have houses with children to take care.  I am too young for financial responsibilities, the only thing I should be worried about is my education, and my health so that I can enjoy my education (This is what I meant when I said I had misguided misconceptions).  I am not from the city, so if I get a job in the city, unlike my colleagues still living at home with their parents, I have to think about inconvenient adult things like paying rent and finding a reliable housemate to help me pay rent.   Rent; if my bank account had bowels, they would collapse.   We have all watched some version of La Boheme, and even though living like a broke artist seems adventurous and good for character development, I do not think my stomach is cut for dry bread and water… I cannot even sing, so those epic montages are not happening.  Then there is the budget I will have to draw up and organize my life around to make sure I stick to it.  I do not even know if that is possible.  The last time I drew up a budget, it was for an assignment, and I did not have much faith in the hypothetical company’s spending either.   

And the dreaded job-hunt.  One thing I have learned from interviews; if the interviewer uses the words, “You are a really pretty girl, with a bright future ahead of you,” it means you did not get the job and you are not that pretty (they were just being polite about rejecting you).  Also, smart casual means you need to wear a suit and tie (I know, I also thought formal meant suit and tie).  I hate motivation letters; writing about yourself is the hardest thing to do.  How do you say, “You should employ me because I’m awesome,” without sounding like a douche?  Then there are all those questions, like “Give an example of a time you persevered.”  How about this job application?  It is so darn long; you need to take bathroom breaks while completing it.  Or how about, “Why did you apply for this position?”  I do not know, is it okay if I say, “I want to keep my options open because I don’t want to be unemployed next year”?  I think that answer is reasonable enough and they should be grateful because that is probably the only honest response they will ever read.  I should be rewarded for telling the truth and they should show me their appreciation by employing me (Again, misguided misconceptions).

Reading rejections are not fun either.  They tell you how good you are and how you failed at being excellent.  (I have an entire folder in my email account reserved for rejections).  And what tough skin should I develop?  Quite frankly I am just pissed off.  I took the time and effort to answer those ridiculous questions; I think I deserve a good explanation, not some generic response.  Or how about those companies who do not have the decency to contact you to say that you suck as a prospective employee.  It is like finding out you got dumped, six months ago. 

Oh, and my parents are just ecstatic about the prospect of a child who will finally be moving out the house.  They are even making plans to break down my room and extend the house.   I was talking to my dad and we discussed his expectations for my salary.  He was quite perturbed to find that the options did not look very optimistic.  There were looks of despair and sighs.  It is a shame really, they invested so much and they will not be seeing any of those returns soon (Just do not have children; it will save you from so much disappointment).  Also, my parents may have just realized that they have seriously misguided misconceptions about my future.

And here is the scariest thing I discovered about being an adult- all those plans we made when we were younger; to go back-packing in Europe, teach English in Korea, donate a kidney to someone who needs it; all those plans are supposed to happen now.  This is the time for it, our roaring 20’s.  For the first time you will truly be responsible for making your own happiness and the only person who would disappoint you, is you. 

 Thinking like an adult is burdensome, but it is upon us. (In all fairness, we have had over 20 years to prepare for the battle field).   My mind is a warzone, there are so many options and choosing the wrong one would be like stepping on a landmine.  I keep telling myself to embrace it, all these responsibilities that make my life difficult, because in 25 years I would probably want to be where I am right now, in this moment, confused and on the brink of glory.        

 

 

 

 

Sunrise

 

 

When will the Sun rise for me?

It is not the darkness that I fear

It is the uncertainty that I will never see light.

 

This death is a mystery.

Before I prepare my precious tear

Death comes in the still, when I cannot bring myself to fight. 

 

Dear Courage, you evade me.

I tremble, I slip without Hope near

There is no Faith to sustain the substance, the deep of night.

 

My lonely heart let it be.

This time of testing will make you pure

The sacrifice significant, sweeps me to greater height.

 

Soul do you feel? Can you see?

Solely to suffer, for Joy to hear

Rejoicing at the splendour of Freedom of my new sight.

 

Dawn breaks and there, Liberty.

Nothing conquered by my presence here

Only because of Grace, Another gives me strength for flight.

 

And the Son rises for me.

And the bigger picture is now clear

And there is new found, unearned favour, the future is bright.

 

And the Son will rise for You. 

 

 



Raceless

 I was only ten years old when a thirteen year old, white boy in grade 7 called me a “brown-ass Coolie”.  His friend sniggered, which did not say much about his intelligence or his sense of humour.  I remember thinking to myself, what an idiot- I am not even Indian.

I do not usually do this, because it is against everything I believe in and stand for, but today I am going to play the race card.

Are you ready?  You have to be sure because you will not like what I have to say. 

I am Raceless.  I do not believe that my human rights, my potential and my identity should be determined by the colour of my skin.  I find it quite insulting when I am asked to describe my entire genetic make-up using a single word.  When people ask me what I am, I tell them that I am South African; born, bred and PROUD.   This might seem very foolish or arrogant, but I have good reason for this obstinacy. 

Race.  What is race?  I cannot define it without feeling sick to my stomach.  Consider its hand in all the damage of the world, all the countries which were colonized, all the civil wars.  When something can cause so much division, it cannot be a good thing.  I wish I could say that I have mastered the art of ignoring it, but how does one live without it, when it is everywhere?  We cannot avoid it, because it always manages to turn up in some part of our lives.  Whether you are five years old, playing in the sand with your “black” friend, whether you are in a board meeting surrounded by your “white” counterparts, whether you are buying an item in an “Asian” man’s store or whether you are ten years old, minding your own business hearing the racist slur of passer-by; we have been trained to give it undeserved relevance in our lives. 

This country is approaching its twentieth year of democracy, but we are still clearing the debris left behind by Apartheid.  Apartheid was not just written in policies that can be easily amended or forgotten.  It was an oppression of the mind.  The kind of oppression that says, you cannot amount to anything because you are not the right colour.  I still see that oppression in the generations before us.  Some of us have parents that have even raised us with that mind-set, without them realizing it. 

It is an inferiority complex; the kind that says, “Do not challenge authorities; take the little they give you because it is better than nothing.” We cannot blame the previous generation because that is all they ever knew, and you cannot expect someone to unlearn something when it served as the very foundation that shaped their being.  Our generation is privileged to know better, and we should take action in correcting these mind-sets that have the power to imprison us.    

Here is a story of how I failed to do just that.

 I have a friend, a very brave friend.  Whenever she gets forms that require her to indicate her race, she draws in a new block and creates her own option for “human being”.  Every time a form is returned to her, to be filled in properly, she always redraws in that new option because she has an audacious attitude that says, “If they are going to piss me off, then I will piss them off!”    

 I wish I was that courageous.  But there is that inferiority complex again, “Don’t be an idiot, you will disadvantage yourself.  Just tick the box.”  For that very reason, I have settled for a ticking the “other” option.  You see it is different enough to make a statement, but it is not bold enough to make a change that counts.   

It occurred to me, that there will always be forms that require us to indicate our race, because we keep filling them in.  How are authorities supposed to know that we do not approve, if we keep doing the very thing that encourages it?  Who is the real idiot?  The person who calls herself Raceless, but then continues to fill in forms that support the idea of race?  Or the person who chooses to keep filling in returned forms to stay true to what she believes, with the hope that one day there will be a change because of what she is doing?   

We have a duty to this country to correct the wrongs of the past so that the generations that succeed us can have a fair chance at a better future.  If we do not want race to be one of the things that limit them, then we should make a change now because we are the hope of the future.   I do not want my children to ever bear the humiliation of being called a “brown-ass Coolie”, nor do I want them to suffer because they are the “wrong” colour.  I want my children to see people as people and to treat them as people.

So this is the question, are you going to settle to tick the box (because having is better than not having) or are you going to refuse to tick the box and possibly change the future of the next generation?   

In a Room Full of Women

Esther 4:14- For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish.  And who knows but you have come to your royal position for a time such as this?  (NIV)

In the past week I found myself in the company of incredible women like former Deputy President Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka, CEO of Absa Group; Maria Ramos, Aids Ambassador; Hlubi Mboya, an audio version of Facebook COO; Sheryl Sandberg, massai; Kakenye Ntaiya, a few good men and a set of "unknown faces" who carry that same reverent power, inspiring stories and honorable dreams.  I was privileged to be one of the 30 young women who were selected to attend the Absa Capital Pioneering Young Women Conference held this year.  I met young women, like myself, who are standing at a crossroads, one leading to greatness and another to mediocrity.  Each of us face the challenge of deciding which road to take.  

I remember walking into a room full of young women, all with friendly faces, beautifully dressed, hair and make-up done, smelling like bouquets of the best flowers.  I said to myself, "Wow, this must be guy heaven". We all had high expectations for the week, some of us were already exchanging numbers and to some degree we were anxious about the journey we were about to embark.

If there is one thing I took from this experience worthy of sharing, it is that we were born for a time such as this.  In the past, women in this country were not afforded the opportunities we take for granted today.  Like Esther, we have the responsibility to release our full potential to make a difference, because the women we are destined to become will change the world and the fate of nations.  We will not all be doctors who find the cure to HIV/Aids, some of us will not be CEO's of international companies, but there is something unique which each of us can bring to the table.  We just need to discover what it is and then do it.  

We can not continue to live our lives without intention.  You were not built to take the back seat.  You were built to inspire.  We undermine our role in the world and we have become complacent to playing second fiddle to everything because we do not see ourselves in the light of greatness.  Greatness is not reserved for men alone.  We are the ones who make men great.

As women, we have so much value to contribute to the world because we tie our souls to everything we do.  Our emotions and complex over-thinking is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength and valour.  We make better decisions because of those "feelings".  We consider the things others overlook and we live by the principle of stewardship.  Young woman, you can conquer the world.

When Anne Frank wrote in her diary, do you think she did it knowing future generations of millions of people would read it?  Do you think that Malala Yousufzai knew that campaigning for girls to receive education, would lead to her being shot in the head and subsequently the leader of the first youth takeover of the United Nations?  Do you think Ellen Johnson Sirleaf knew that she would be the first elected female president in Africa?  Do you think that becoming a master of what you do best, coupled with your desire to make a difference would change the world?  It may seem ridiculous, but it can happen.

We live in a time where anything is possible, some of us are lucky to live in countries where women are valued and where there are no policies to limit us.  There is nothing stopping you besides yourself.  Dream bigger, think louder and live larger.  The world is crying out for our talent, our wisdom and our leadership.

Women.  We make this world a better place.  

 

Extremely Blunt and Incredibly Awkward

I have compiled a list of the things my mother (The Don-lady), has taught me.  I genuinely hope that this will be nothing to which any of you can relate.  If you are easily traumatised and are weary that you might need to see a therapist after reading this, then it is best you steer clear from this post.  (That was an official disclaimer).

The stories I have shared with my friends about my mother have always left them astounded.  Honestly, when I was growing up I thought her methods were normal, and that everyone’s mother raised them the same way my mum raised me.  Upon reflecting on these stories, I realised that throughout my childhood I was completely oblivious to my mother’s extremely feminist and compulsive standards. 

Instead of being resentful of her and dwelling on how harsh she had been, I have found that it makes for some good comic relief.  In fact, this post is one of the few that truly explains why I am “The Other Girl”.    

Things My Mother Taught Me

1.  Domestos is the best detergent to use for cleaning a toilet.  You do not need to worry about wearing gloves either because it will kill the germs on your hands too.

2.  Big boys do not cry, neither should little girls.  Life is tough but there is no reason to cry about it.     

3.  People will not like you for doing the right thing.   

4.  You can do whatever you want with your life, as long as your parents do not have to pay your rent.  (I sold out and did a “stable” degree).

5.  Boyfriends mean babies.  End of the story.

6.  When I was eight years old she told me about HIV/AIDS and that I could get it from touching other children’s blood.  I spent three years thinking everyone at school had HIV/AIDS except me.  

7.  There is no such thing as ghosts, only demons and we can pray for them to leave. 

8.  Even though it is your room, it is still in her house, which means you have to keep it clean.

9.  Disobedience is bad.  Do not disobey your parents.  Unless you want to be one of those children who died because they disobeyed their parents.  (She told me a story about a little boy who got sucked into the small gap between the side of the escalator and the moving steps because he did not listen to his parents when they told him not to play on the escalator). 

10.  Lying is bad.  Do not lie.  Unless she tells you to do it.  Always lie when your parents tell you to, because if you disobey them…  

11.  Do not ask people questions when they are busy cooking, it is distracting.  (That is why I do not know how to cook).

12.  Do not cook if you know you are going to spoil the food and waste the groceries. (That is also why I do not know how to cook).

13.  Education is more important than cooking.  Young women should study, not cook.  (That is why I still do not know how to cook).

14.  There will always be time to learn how to cook.  (No, I still do not know how to cook). 

15.  If you are going to care about what people think, then you have already failed.

16.  If you have done your best then it is enough.

17.  Do not waste food, someone else is hungry.  (One time I asked her for a block of cheese.  I could not finish it, so I asked her if I could throw it away.  She said “Fine, but one day you will want that block of cheese”.  Eight years later, I wanted cheese so bad, I even thought if I could, I would eat the block of cheese I threw away all those years ago).

18.  When a man and a woman love each other very much…

19.  The night is made for sleeping, not parties.  (She told me a story about a boy who went clubbing, got shot and died).

20.  Women will buy anything that makes them look and feel beautiful.  (She has been drawing up that business plan for the past five years). 

21.  Always make sure you pay your debt first.  In fact, do not make any debt in the first place.  If someone wants to give you a credit card, just say no.

22.  Do not do anything that would require you to ingest an illegal substance, become someone’s mother or drink the blood of another living thing, just say no. 

23.  When people stare at you, stare back.       

24.  Short hair is for women who have time to maintain it.  (For 16 years of my life she made me keep my hair in a plait… I’m only 22).

25.  There is no shame in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), it is something of which to be proud.  People who pay attention to detail should be respected.

26.  If your dog dies, you bury it.  If someone else’s dog dies and they fail to bury it, you go and find that person and say these exact words, “I know the dog that died belongs to you and I know you did not bury it.  You better bury your dog, or else I will tell your grandmother because I know who she is and I know where she lives, and I know that you live with her.”

27.  If someone still fails to bury their dog, be the better citizen and do it yourself. 

28.  You better vote in elections because that is the kind of thing for which people die.

29.  Guys like girls who are easy.  Get over it.

30.  You might be vegetarian, but people will still eat meat.  Get over it. 

31.  Cats die.  Get over it.

32.  Father Christmas is not real.  Get over it.

33.  There will always be someone who is better at doing something.  Get over it.

34.  Africa’s a tough continent.  Get over it. 

35.  If you are going to dress like a nerdy writer then you will end up marrying a maths teacher. 

36.  You cannot have anorexia or some other disorder because her medical aid does not cover teenage angst.

37.  If you say you are sick, then you will be sick.  So you better say that you are healthy because her medical aid does not cover negativity either.

38.  People do not have fathers, so you better love yours.

39.  After my first period she said, ‘”Now for real this time, you cannot have a boyfriend.”

40.  Wooden spoons, batter spoons, leather belts and slippers are good for hidings.  Give your children hidings in public and they will never do it again.

41.  Even though you are 18 she can still give you a hiding.  (And then she did).

42.  If you want to become an engineer then you should be prepared to work hard and have no social life.  (Funny, all the engineers I know go to parties all the time.  I did not become an engineer and I still have no social life).

43.  If you want to get distinctions in matric then you should start working for it in primary school.  (She told me that when I was 10 years old and she was right, I kicked ass in matric). 

44.  There is no such thing as a feud or bearing a grudge, only forgiveness.  You can be angry, but not for long.  Scream and shout as much as you want but when it is over, it is over.      

45.  No matter what you have done, no matter where you are, and even if she will be angry; when you are in trouble always call her first.

46.  Do not speak to strangers, especially if they drive slowly in their cars, looking around at houses. 

47.  Have integrity.  Someone is always watching you.  People never forget.    

48.  You do not throw away good friends.  There are too many wicked people out there so you should invest in good friendships.     

49.  You might not understand her now, but you will one day, and you will appreciate her for it. 

50.  You can have as much fun as you like, as long as it pleases the Lord.

I am grateful for my mum.  REALLY if I could choose anyone to raise me again, I would pick her.  Only because I know that everything she taught me was out of love and it was what she thought was best for me (or so I like to tell myself).