Tuesday 8 December 2015

Small Town

I’ve been living and working in the city for roughly 11 months. Most of my time has been devoted to settling into adulthood, adapting my lifestyle from a student to a young professional and meeting people along the way. Of all the things I’ve learnt about myself, one thing that rings true is that I am not cut from the same cloth.

I’m small town. Dead set in my methods and there’s no way I’m going to unlearn these prudent habits. And truthfully, I’m not vying to be a city slicker either… I simply don’t want to.

Singer-songwriter Aron Wright’s lyrics to a song called Home, have captured my experience in the past few months perfectly:

I have seen all I care to see of this world it has no more for me
I need the call for giving peace
That only comes from my family.
I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
I’m following the lead of the setting sun.
And I’m going back where I came from.

Ironically, in my last few years of high school, I was so desperate to break free from the limitations of the town in which I was raised. I wanted to smash all the boxes in which people classified me. Now that I live in the city, I have found that people still put you in boxes. They’re just a little bigger, creating an illusion of freedom.

But there are things about the city I cannot deny that I love. There’s an energy about it that constantly drives you to be extraordinary.  A small town keeps you comfortable. A city never runs out of thrills. A small town deprives you of growth. The only way to survive in a city is to grow. A small town is stagnant. A city is constantly moving, and if you stop you’ll get left behind, unable to gain ground.

But this city is not my maker. It’s just an enabler. The small town made me. The city just unlocks who that person is. Now that I have that revelation, I am more determined to confidently run the path God has set for me.

People born and raised in the city just seem to be more street smart. They know the hustle. There’s an expectation of imperfection and a general sense of acceptance. Enter me: Anxious workaholic. Likes peace but seeks adventure. Wants to change the world, but scared of what that may involve. A good night out involves spending quality time with people you care about, in moderation, followed by eight hours of sleep. Values tradition, a fact I wasn’t aware of until two weeks ago. Treads with caution. Learning to do things alone. The city as a setting: Deceptively brave, bold and beautiful.  

Put more simply, if I was Alice, after falling down the rabbit hole I think I would be pretty disappointed with what I would have found once I reached the bottom.  

I follow Humans Of New York posts on social media. They’re basically street portraits of people who share their stories. It’s a social phenomenon which has extended across the world. There’s even a book with a collection of these stories and portraits (adding that to my Christmas wish list).

One story I’ve been mulling over the past few days is about a man, raised in a city. He moved to a small town, fell in love with a woman and they started a family together. He always wanted to be a musician, so his wife agreed to move to New York with him to see if he could make something of his music career. After moving, they had to take on extra jobs to pay rent, he hardly spent time with his family and wasn’t working on his music at all. He and his wife were fighting more and at one point he became abusive. She left him, and took their children with her. Now he’s alone in the city, with no music career, doing a job he hates just so that he has a means to live.

I know that won’t happen to everybody, but that’s the gist of a city- You’re constantly chasing your dreams, or finding the means to. I don’t think I have a great quality of life here. But I can’t go back to a small town either. 

I wasn’t raised in a city. I don’t always understand how it works. Sure I want to be successful and make it to the top, but what happens after? 

If I moved to a forgotten town, then yes, maybe I would be happier, have a comfortable life and be a great something. But the city appeals to your ambition while offering you some kind of anonymity. You can fail here, and then try again without anyone making a big deal about it.  You can be who you are here, without anyone passing judgments (to your face at least). You can be forgotten here, without anyone caring. No one is great here.

You can live in a city and still be trapped in boxes. You can live in a city and still do yourself an injustice. You can live in a city and still be a small town girl.


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