No longer other

I am writing this post, with an incredible sense of hope for the future.

When I started this blog in 2013, I was a different person. I was the other girl.

At the time, I wasn't a journalist, and having a blog was the only way I could publish my writing.

It also served as platform to express my concerns, emotions, and dreams. It's a virtual record of my adolescent experiences. All the awkward moments and the mind blowing conclusions included.

It was a doorway to my thoughts, a glimpse of my life. In a way, it helped my friends understand me better. Heck, I got to know me better.

I will be 25 in over two months. I'm approaching this new year without fear. Sure I'm nervous, but I am excited for the unexpected. I feel like a balloon filled with helium and the only direction I'm going is up.

As I enter my mid-twenties, I want to be present in every moment. Soaking it in, not racing forward to the future or reliving the past.

I don't want to get caught up making plans. I want to take hold of what God has for me now. I want to be a good steward of what He has given me.

To do that, I need to clear my mind of all distractions. If I'm going to draw closer to Him, then that means letting go of the things that keep me from Him.

Over the past few months God's voice has become much louder in my life. I've learnt to tune into Him. It's been a journey of faith, and it's been rewarding and refreshing to my spirit. I'm getting used to the idea of tapping into the supernatural - I'm getting used to the idea that my spirit is more real than my flesh.

I had an encounter with Him, which really shifted the way I think about myself. I believe the things He says about me. He has convicted me of many things. He is constantly correcting my imperfections, sanctifying me. Coming to terms with my brokenness is probably the best thing that has happened to me. I am more conscious of His grace upon my life now.

As I reach new levels of intimacy in my relationship with Him, I'm truly seeing myself as His daughter, and not the other girl.

This has been a life-long work in progress, but more so in the past three years as I authored this blog. I'm grateful for this period in my life and this blog has helped me process the realities of this season. I have been vulnerable in this space. That's what writing did for me - it laid out abstract things tangibly.

Ever watched a really good movie, and hated that it had to end? That was my experience of ‘Definitely, Maybe’ (the best romantic comedy of all time). I decided to get the film and every time I re-watched it the ending grew on me. I looked forward to it, in the same way I looked forward to the parts that made me laugh.

So think of the end of the Other Girl in the same way.

Sure, endings suck, but the good thing about the internet is that you can always come back to the blog and re-read the posts that made you laugh and the ones that made you go WTF? And hopefully the ending will grow on you too. 

To every reader (whether you read one post or all of them) you've shared some of the most important memories of my life. I hope you learnt a few things. I hope you smiled, especially on the days when you had nothing to smile about.

At this stage, I need to get back to a place where my writing is a true form of worship. As a daughter, writing to her Father.

There’s an awesome testimony that led to this, but I’m choosing not to write it down this time. I’m saving it for the day when I bump into one of you and can share it with words from my mouth.

I want to be in a place where I actively share the Gospel with the people I engage with daily, and not anonymously on the internet without accountability.

For now, know that my soul is content, I am at peace. There is no overthinking, or wrestling with reality. My faith is built on something everlasting. If things fail, that's alright. If things work out, that's alright too. My joy is found in the Father. My belonging in Christ trumps all life's worries and woes. I have the love of the Saviour of the world. I am His daughter.

Thank you for reading. 

Supernatural

Me. Submerged in water.

Sinking deep. Pulling down.

But I am not afraid.

Relief. Refreshed and cleansed.

Feel the wet. Feel alive.

It pushes me upward.

Breathe. Floating on the waves.

No gasping. Only rest.

You. Are living water.

Walls. Cannot be broken.

My hands. Bloodied and bruised.

Dust is suffocating.

Beat. Leaving only cracks.

No strength. Only despair.

Desperate surrender.

Quake. Ground begins to shake.

Walls tumble. No more fear.

Free. No more chains on me.  

Fire. Set in my soul.

Your presence. Your power.

Taste and see Your goodness.

Sweet. Anointing fills me.

Peace and grace. Love poured out.

Changed by an encounter.

Me. No longer a slave.

Born to grace. Spirit rise.

You. Supernatural.

Soup snakes and autocompletion

I recently found out what “soup snakes” means. I was so chuffed about it, the first person I told was a good friend of mine who shares a mutual love for Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak. (The best comedy writers of our time).

Even though I made the discovery, five years after the phrase was first used, I’m sure there are people out there who also don’t know what “soup snakes” means.

Basically, Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak used to write for a show called The Office (which is bloody brilliant by the way). In season five (the show has nine seasons because it’s so darn good) the character Michael Scott (portrayed by Steve Carell… If you don’t know who that is, then we can’t be friends, seriously) declares his love for a woman named Holly.

He carries on about why they’re so good together, because they’re “soup snakes”. Which doesn’t make sense right? What’s a soup snake? And then he realises that the whole time he’s been misreading the phrase “soul mates” as “soup snakes”. (I know, let’s take a moment to appreciate the awwww-ness in that).

So here’s where Mindy and BJ come in (isn’t it great how I’m talking about them like they’re people I know). Mindy and BJ have an on-again, off-again relationship. They’re both writers and sometimes they have conversations on Twitter where they talk candidly about their relationship on social media, for strangers like me to see. They’re always calling each other “soup snakes”. In one particular tweet - BJ tells Mindy that she “autocompletes” him. (I know, time to awwww again).

Anyway, “soup snake” is my new favorite word. It’s not anything special, Shakespeare didn’t write it. It’s probably not the most romantic thing I will ever hear. In fact one of the most romantic things I have read is a poem written by BJ in his book, 'One More Thing':

The Literalist’s Love Poem

Roses are rose.

Violets are violet.

I love you.

The frankness in that message is refreshing. It makes me consider the expectations I have of love.

As a Christian I try to live a purposeful life. When I do choose a spouse one day, I want my marriage to fulfil a kingdom purpose.  I think I’ve become so obsessed with this idealistic expectation of what I want marriage to look like that I haven’t left room for anything else. I haven’t left room for romance.

I feel so strongly about not getting caught up with romance, that I have omitted any inclination of it in this marriage picture I’m painting. I used to think seeking autocompletion is a weakness. Or seeking a “soup snake” is pathetic. I know, it’s crazy, but I swear I’m not a robot.

I’ve grown up repressing my emotions and handling my feelings sensibly (Jane Austen, that’s for you). Once I told a friend that I had a crush on a guy (and it took much courage to admit that to another human being). She was so surprised to hear that I was capable of having romantic feelings for anyone. I probably thought that too, like I was "above" that or something. 

I’ve realised that I haven’t considered the real parts of love. The parts where my humanity comes in and the rawness of me and whoever my spouse is, falls short of the bigger calling God has placed on us.

I don’t think God hates romance. But I’ve been acting like He does. Yes, a marriage should fulfil a kingdom purpose, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to be wooed. It’s okay to feel like there are butterflies in your stomach, or that you’re weak in the knees. It's okay to say things like: "You're my soup snake". It’s okay to consider your feelings. It’s taken a long time for me to accept that.

Here’s to Mindy and BJ, they’re not a model couple, but they’re great writers. 

Letter for my brother

Sometimes I imagine what my life would be like if I was a boy.

I think I would be more athletic. Maybe I’d have more friends because I’d be more likeable. I believe I’d be more resourceful, confident and laid back. I’d probably take more risks and have fun. I would be like you, my brother.

Over the past 18 years I’ve watched you grow into the smart, capable and God-fearing young man you are today. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days when you were a toddler, fighting me for the remote so that you could watch Teletubbies. If I knew then what I know about you now, then I would’ve let you win the remote, and every fight we’ve ever had.

I can’t be an older brother to you. That’s a shame, I’m sure we would’ve shared some good times and inside jokes as brothers. But going forward, I want to do my best to understand you better so that we never have to waste our lives fighting about things that don’t matter. I hope that you would truly think of me as your keeper.

Brother, as you bid farewell to adolescence, and the comfort of living under our parents’ roof, there are a few things I believe you should learn before entering the new age of adulthood.

1. Don’t be in a hurry to leave your childhood behind.

The best years of your life await you, but nothing will ever be like your childhood. Don’t let go of the laughter, the amusement and fascination you can only experience and appreciate as a child. Don’t let the worries of adulthood crush your spirit. We are all still children, pretending to know what we’re doing. So keep your childhood alive, because you will find on days when your problems overwhelm you, the memories of your childhood will put a smile on your face.

2. Make mistakes.

You don’t have to be perfect, and that’s okay. Now is the time you will truly use your freedom to choose. You won’t always make the right decisions. But don’t beat yourself up about it, because that’s how you learn. Don’t despise your mistakes, they become funny stories you can tell at parties.

3. Meet new people, and treat everyone with the greatest respect.

Use every opportunity to meet new people, you never know what you might learn from them. Whether it’s the car guard or an investment banker, everyone can teach you something.

4. Keep your friends close.

Don’t throw away good friends, they are hard to find. Hold onto your childhood friendships, you will find that they withstand the test of time. These are the people who will share your interests, and understand you.  Cherish them, pour into them. Pray for them, constantly. Set aside time to have fun with them. Make the effort to meet with them.

5. Sing, always.

Because there is no better way to express your joy. Sing in your car, sing in your bedroom, sing in the shower and sing in the aisles while you’re buying groceries. Do it at the top of your lungs, or hum it while you fall asleep. Everyone loves music and no one will have a good reason to tell you to stop.

6. Find new ways to express your creativity.

Write, take up dance classes, learn to play a musical instrument, paint, sculpt, take photographs, sketch and learn how to be a ventriloquist. You can never find enough ways to worship and glorify God.

7. Listen to mum and dad, but not always.

Sure, they know what they’re doing, most days. But on other days, you’ll have to make your own decisions and take responsibility for your own happiness. Always honour them and God will honour you. Appreciate the time you can share with them, because there isn’t enough of it. Respect them, respect how they live. But explore new ways you can live. You define your destiny. You determine how you finish the race.

8. Hang out with old people.

They’re like troughs of wisdom. You want to be there when they start spewing out truths, their stories are invaluable. Let them share about their histories. Allow them to impart what they’ve learnt to you.

9. Add value to the world.

Your life is not your own, you don’t live for yourself. Surrender yourself to kingdom purposes. You can make a difference. Volunteer at animal shelters, hang out with orphans, raise money to pay for someone else’s university fees, join a protest, and denounce racism and other prejudices. The power to put an end to the injustices of this world is within you.

10. Take pride in your appearance.

Unfortunately, you live in a world where first impressions last. People might tell you that they don’t care if you iron your shirts, but you should. Think of every new encounter with someone as a potential job interview. If you don’t want to lead a mediocre life, start with your appearance. Be neat, respect yourself.

11. Never stop reading.

No matter how busy you get. I know that throughout varsity you’ll be reading endless papers, but sneak in a novel. Find books that challenge you, teach you and simply entertain you. Writers read. Also, books make for great talking points and pick-up lines.

12.  Be kind to girls.

Treat them as if they were your sisters, only better. Tell every girl you like that you have a crush on her. She’ll laugh, and that’ll make her day. Choose one to love. But don’t mislead her. Do your best to guard your heart and hers, know that love will always be a risk. Only share your feelings with her until such time arises where you are certain that you are willing to commit to spending the rest of your life with her. And then make your intentions clear by boldly asking her parents for their blessing.

13. Work hard

There are no short cuts. Everything out here is hard to do. It requires discipline, tenacity and perseverance. You won’t make lots of money immediately after graduating, so don’t expect it to fall into your lap. The reward is in the doing, so savour the experience because it builds your character and that is where your true wealth lies.

14. Try your best to have fun.

You have limited time on your hands but try make each day an adventure. See the joy of the Lord in everything. You don’t even have to spend too much money to do it. Appreciate the little things. Stop and smell the roses - literally. Walk in the rain and splash in the puddles. Recite Shakespeare in Whale. Dress up like a superhero, because you can. Laugh at yourself, enjoy your company.

15. Don’t be yourself.

Instead, be who Jesus Christ is in you. He’s a better person anyway. Deny yourself and choose His righteousness daily. Pick up your cross, because then you will live a life that truly counts for something greater. Be the person who does the things no one else wants to. Be His vessel, let Him use you as He pleases and mould you into the man He has called you to be.

16. Pray.

That’s how you communicate with God. Don’t just pray for yourself, pray for your friends and the communities you’re are involved in. Pray for the economy - even if you don’t know what’s going on, pray for our nation, pray for our president, whoever he may be. Be burdened by the problems of our world and pray for change. And then listen to hear what God wants you to do. Let Him share His vision with you and ask Him for the courage and strength to act.

17. Reread the Gospel.

This is the truth. It changes lives and transforms societies. You can never hear it enough. Let it consume you. Fall in love with Father again, and again, and again. Hunger for Him, obsess over Him. Rediscover His crazy love for you.

18. Proclaim the Gospel.

After allowing the truth to wash over you, let it overflow and spill into the other areas of your life. Have the urgency of Paul to share the gospel. My prayer for you is that you would desire this: “Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel” - Ephesians 6:19 (NIV).

Dearest brother, in many ways you have made me. I hope that others will experience the joy and pleasantness of knowing you, and appreciate the person you are.

Live without fear, draw strength from your faith. Walk in His grace forever.